It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
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I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My time has come.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.