My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
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My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I hate everything
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
This meal prepping shit easy
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
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