I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
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Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
The struggle is real
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines