Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
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Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume