“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
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One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens