Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
You Might Also Like
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
God has abandoned us.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school