I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
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I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.