If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Spotted in New Orleans.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
How software testing works
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems