5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
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After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
*serious situation*
My brain:
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
This kinda thing happens to me often
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.