On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
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Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.