babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
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[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Noah
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.