SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
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Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
tell em, edith-anne
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad