Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
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her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated