COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
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I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!