ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
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“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Canadian owl: Eh?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.