Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
You Might Also Like
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
My work here is don’t.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me