He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
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If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
This is my brand.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.