Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
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Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time