Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
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You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.