*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
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My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
👾👾👾
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?