*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
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Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*