“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
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[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.