Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
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So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store