Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
There is wisdom there.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
what my late-night hot pocket sees