My spirit animal is fried chicken
You Might Also Like
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
My whole life was a lie.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
This could be us but you eatin’
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.