Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
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Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Cinematography is my passion
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy