I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
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Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
me when I see my crush
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh