*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
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In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.