There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
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Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
shit, they caught us—run!!!
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ