so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
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What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out