Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
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The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.