Today’s weather from Yorkshire
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Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills