Wasps: bees, but not helping
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[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Breaking news:
what’s the point then??
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️