Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
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I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
mom had nothing to worry about
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.