ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
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[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I have a black belt in leather
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Lol.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am