Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
You Might Also Like
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.