me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
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If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
yeet
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle