4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
You Might Also Like
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
What?!?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
is this a threat
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
In space, no one can hear…
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.