me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
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old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
😏😏😏
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
spot the difference
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Breaking news:
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.