“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
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How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
fly smarter, not harder