I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
You Might Also Like
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
she has a point
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.