*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
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*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
*3.5 thank you very much.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.