The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
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I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.