Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
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Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT