Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
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Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.