BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
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The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time