FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
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While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.