This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
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Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
This classic never gets old . . .
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?