When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
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Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up