centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
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the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director